Remembering to be thankful

This past weekend made me think.......

While driving to visit Kevin's family (with cousin Mindy) to celebrate Thanksgiving we were discussing a rash of bad things that had been happening recently.  Mindy's car was re-ended, her bother Ernie's car was hit and run and now has been totalled out, our situation with our adoption agency hitting a snag, Kevin's grandpa struggling to find a new place to live, our dear nephew Isaiah having to deal with a parent that made bad choices and put him in harms way.

Mindy came up with the thought that for every negative thing that was said while we were there, we needed to say something we are thankful for.  So here goes!!!!!

• We are thankful for our awesome family and friends.  Through thick and thin - rhey support us and really are truly the best!
• We are thankful the roof over our head and even better - it is a beautiful and comfortable house!
• We are thankful for our nephews and young cousins that are always ready to beat up on "Uncle" Kevin - keeps him young :).  
• We are thankful for our workplaces, coworkers, and friends, in this economy we are very lucky to have great jobs with great people!  

 Seems like we are pretty lucky!!!!!  It was either make the list or put money in Mindy's "swear" jar, which we now are calling the "unthankful" jar.  I hope that i never have to run out of things to be thankful for :)

The final piece to this puzzle that is our lives will be expanding our family to include children.  One way or another we will find that piece!  But until then, I am going to try to focus on all the things in the world that I have, all of the awesome experiences I have had and all the things that I can and will do going forward!!!

Much Love,

Megan & Kevin

SIRM gives away a free IVF cycle

I believe that timing is everything.  While we are currently questioning every decision we have made in our journey so far - I see a post from a highly successful infertility clinic - SIRM.  They are giving away a free IVF cycle.  All you have to do is email them your story and then they will post the finalists and open up voting.

Here is the email I sent them.  You never know right?

Our Story ~

This week we would told once again that we would not be able to have a baby.  This time it was from an adoption agency instead of from a Reproductive Endocrinologist.  We thought we had left the emotional and physical pain and disappointment behind us when we ended our pursuit of pregnancy and moved on to adoption. 

How did we end up here you might ask?  My diagnosis of PCOS at the tender age of 21 was the black cloud of worry that followed me through my 20's and into my marriage to my wonderful husband Kevin.  We married January 2nd, 2010 and immediately started our journey to have a family.  I still remember the day we decided to start trying.  It was February 14th, 2010.  Kevin said he hoped that it took at least a couple of months to get me knocked up, because he was looking forward to "trying".  Within a few months we came to the realization that we were in this for the long haul.

After a dismal semen analysis, we were referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist.  We were told that IVF was our only real chance at achieving our dreams.  But it was outside of our comfort zone.  Were we really willing to spend more then what I paid to go to college for ONE shot at getting pregnant?  It didn't seem responsible.  Our insurance wouldn't cover the treatment that our doctor recommended.  We were stuck between a rock and a hard place.  But our insurance would cover some of the cost of IUIs, so we decided to give it a whirl. 

Every month that passed Kevin's sperm counts got worse. Hope was definitely a fleeting feeling in our home.  We had done everything right.  The injectable meds, the blood thinners (due to my history of clotting), the timed intercourse, the supplements, accupuncture and one very painful varicocelectomy.  Nothing was working and there was no improvement in the swimmers...

We compromised.  We gave up our dream of a spontaneous pregnancy.  My husband had to give up his dream of a biological child and we moved on.  We did 3 more IUIs using donor sperm.  We overstimmulated my ovaries in a last ditch effort.  We got so close.  Extremely positive response to meds and super promising progesterone results through our "2 week wait".  But it wasn't our time.  On July 6th, 2011, after 7 IUIs and countless tears we made the decision to terminate all treatments and move on.

We began the adoption process with a sigh of relief.  We knew that it would not be a short journey, but in the end we would end up with a family and that was more important then anything else.  That was our ultimate goal.  No more pain and disappointment from failed treatments.  No more waiting and wondering if this time would be our time.  We completed all the intrusive and necessary paperwork and prepared for our home study.

Yes we knew this road would not be easy.  We knew that we would wait.  We knew that we could wait a LONG time.  But once we were active, we had the potential ANY DAY to get that call.  That we would finally have a baby.  That was more then we could ever dream before and we were excited to be active and waiting.

But nothing is easy.  And no road is smooth.  Just 6 days prior to going in "the book" we were told by a social worker that we needed to be on hold.  Kevin, my quiet and introverted until you get to know him, husband, had not opened up to them enough in the 2 hours they spent with him.  It wasn't a no, but it was a not right now.

So, here we are, back where we started and unsure of what our path should be.  Do we wait it out or do we chance the pregnancy dream again. 

That is where timing comes in.  I saw a post on a support board about SIRM's contest.  I am taking it as a sign.  That maybe we weren't done with our pursuit of pregnancy.  That maybe we were put on hold because this was the plan all along.

All we can do is keep believing that something, someday will work out.

Our FB Adoption Home

Please visit our Facebook page to look at our website we hope may serve as a resourcing tool to find our future child!

I just posted a picture format of our Profile for Prospective Birth Families!



Here it is - http://www.facebook.com/pages/Kevin-and-Megan-want-to-Adopt/185815914833185

New title, new purpose

I know we haven't been on our blog lately.  A lot has happened.  We ended our pursuit of pregnancy and started the adoption process.

If you support us, know someone who is considering adoption and looking for an adoptive family, or just are curious what we have been through/are going through, this is the place!

We also created a Facebook page in the hopes that our birth family is out there somewhere and this may be a tool to find them!

If you are reading this, thank you for being a part of our life!

IUI #6: Over before it started

15 day cycles do not end in pregnancy.  Lesson learned.

I have been a bad blogger.  In the time since I last posted I have done another failed cycle.  And its only been a few weeks.

I am so tired of this.  We are so close to being done it is frightening.

IF: The torture of a break cycle

Is never ending.  With infertility, the waiting seems to be the worse part.  We wait for the next chance to begin.  It is once opportunity closer to the end of the road for us and it is terrifying.  In light of that, I am sharing this poem with you all.  Because one way or the other, I am going to get there....

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

IUI #5: No happy ending

11dpIUI and I am spotting.  12dpIUI and I am bleeding.

No miracle here.

I am broken.  This was supposed to work.  Nothing is ever going to work.

IUI #5: is in the books!

I have been really bad about updating!
Here is what happened last week:

Thursday: Returned for U/S and b/w - Results are as follows -

Estradiol: 990 on 03/03/2011 Normal: Dependent upon the number of follicles that you have today.
Your estradiol level is appropriate for the number of follicles found with your ultrasound today.

Your ultrasound result is as follows:
Your follicles on the right ovary are 12,12,11,11 mm.
Your follicles on the left ovary are 13,12,12,11 mm.
Your lining is 9 mm. 

 They were concerned about having too many mature, so dropped my dose of Follistim to 50 and had me come back in the next day....

Friday: Another date with the dildo cam and needle...

Estradiol: 1421 on 03/04/2011 Normal: Dependent upon the number of follicles that you have today.

Your follicles on the right ovary are 16,14,13,12 mm.
Your follicles on the left ovary are 15,14,13,13,12 mm.
Your lining is 9 mm.  

Also known as the day my e2 went through the roof!  A little concerned about the number of follies and the e2 level.  Dr. Dahl will cancel if e2 is above 2000 due to worrying about a fun complication called OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome).  She requested that I come in on Saturday for another check and reduced my dose of Follistim to nothing!

Saturday: Fingers crossed...

Got the follies to drop off (anything around 18 is considered mature, so we were ok to move forward).  Just needed e2 to be below 2000.  I was on pins and needles until I got the email:

Estradiol: 1565 on 03/05/2011 Normal: Dependent upon the number of follicles that you have today.

Your follicles on the right ovary are 19,18,15,14,13,12 mm.
Your follicles on the left ovary are 17,15,14,13,13,12 mm.
Your lining is 9 mm.

You should take the Ovidrel injection on 3/5 at 9:30pm. This medication will cause ovulation 34-36 hours after injection. Your insemination is scheduled for 3/7 at 8:30am.

 

 Let me tell you, I was SOOOOOOOO relieved to see this info.  I thought for sure they were going to cancel us!

I went in on Monday morning, alone because Ditty had to work :(

Our Donor was a rock star, 24 million sperm with 55% motility.  That is 6 + times more sperm then we ever have had...

This has to work, right? 

Follie Check: Hmmmm.....

I had my first follicle check yesterday for our IUI #5.  Things are progressing a little slower then expected, based on how quick I went last cycle.

My results are as follows:
Estradiol: 342 on 03/01/2011 Normal: Dependent upon the number of follicles that you have today.

Your follicles on the right ovary are 12,10,6<8 mm.
Your follicles on the left ovary are 10<10 mm.
Your lining is 5 mm.

Megan, Dr Dahl would like you to take 100 units of your follistim medication each night starting tonight. This is a decrease from previously. Continue this until you return on Thursday. 

So, there you have it!  Hopefully I can get 2 on the left side to jump up and participate since that is my "good side" according to the HSG.

I guess I will have more to update tomorrow after my appt!

Fingers crossed for some progress so that we can do the IUI on Monday before I have to head to Mpls... 

Baseline: The Donor Cycle

I haven't updated in quite some time and so figured I better get caught up ASAP!

I FINALLY am able to cycle again after Aunt Flo being missing and had to be brought on by the lovely Progesterone regimen...

So here were are, today, Cycle Day 6.  Baseline went great (results posted below), thankfully.

My first follie check is tomorrow morning at 7:30 am!  Hopefully we are making good progress.  I will definitely update once I have the information.

We decided and ordered our Donor Sperm and it is being shipped today. Very Very EXCITING!

Hopefully this is lucky IUI #5....

Results from this baseline:

Estradiol: 39 on 02/24/2011 Normal: 0-100 pg/mL.
FSH: 5 on 02/24/2011 Normal: 0-10 MIU/mL.
LH: 6.9 on 02/24/2011 Normal: 0-10 MIU/mL.

Your follicles are at baseline and you are ready to begin treatment.

You should begin the medication Follistim. Take 150 units every evening between 6-9pm. Start this medication on 2/25. Continue each day until your next appointment.

Your next appointment is scheduled for 3/1/11 at 7:30am for an ultrasound and labwork.

AF: Just show up already!

IF is a waiting game.  You would think I would be used to it by now.  But I am not.  I am waiting for "Aunt Flo" to show her ugly face and she isn't cooperating...

Today is CD32.  My longest cycle yet.  Why me?!?!?!?!?!  The clinic wants to "induce" my period with progesterone, but that could take up to 24 more days.  I can not wait that long to cycle. 

Pity party for 1.  AF must be right around the corner with how emotional I am...

IF: Midcycle Update

Haven't had much to post lately, not cycling an all, but got a lot done on the donor front yesterday so thought I would update my blog with the info!

We met with the counselor for our mandatory counseling session prior to using Donor Sperm.  She had a lot of good information for us on telling our theoretical child about how they were concieved, so that was very helpful.

Then I got the email from the clinic that my CMV test (a virus that is very common) was negative.  This means we have to pick a donor that is also negative so I am not exposed to the virus. 

Picture me running to the computer to look up the donors we had narrowed it down to to check that the one I really like was negative.  It was borderline comical.  Anyway, it turns out that he is, so that is a big relief.

The final hurdle is getting Kevin's results back after the Semen Analysis this Friday, which they say will take about a week (I think they are trying to kill me by making me wait ;)).  Once we know what we are working with we will be able to decide to proceed with the donor.  We are not holding out for any miracles here, so I will not be disappointed...

That's about it!  It appears that I did Ovulate this month and we made sure to "do the deed", so there is always hope that we don't need the next step, but I am not holding my breath!

I will be sure to post the information and our decision once we have it!

IUI #4: Big.Fat.Fail

Sorry for the radio silence.  I have been really down and I haven't had the energy to update.

Well.  This cycle was over as fast as it started.  I got AF on CD 23, 11 days post IUI.

I just feel broken.

And as a special bonus we had 6 large follicular cysts as souvenirs from this cycle, therefore we have to sit out the next month in order to let them shrink.  Yippee....

Sorry for the sarcasm.  It masks the sadness.

I don't think I will be posting much this month, except maybe for info on Ditty's post surgical SA (semen analysis, aka spuge and review).  If it is ugly we will be picking a donor for our next cycle, so I will probably post about that...

Until then....

IUI#4: So over it...

I hate this day in my cycles.  I go in with a positive attitude and try to hope that everything is going to be different and then I am crushed. 

Today was IUI #4.  Our prewash count was 7.1 million.  Post wash was a measly 0.9 million.  That is not a typo.  I don't understand.  How can I have such an awesome hubby with such a crap count.  Makes me sad.

2ww with not much hope, here we come.

Sorry to be a downer, but this is getting really old.

Follie Check: The follie check that wasn't

Forgot to update yesterday what with the big blizzard that we experienced and all!

Kevin had to snow blow the driveway and road, but I was finally able to make it out of the driveway to get to my appt for a U/S and E2 level.  Unfortunately, the U/S tech wasn't able to make it.  So we decided to draw a level and move ahead without really knowing what cutting back my dose had done...

Also, the Ovidrel we ordered on Thursday from Freedom Pharmacy never made it to our house so I had to hunt one down in town.  That was fun....

I got the email that my E2 had gone from 700 to 1100 overnight.  We decided to trigger tonight for IUI on Monday Jan 3rd.

Hopefully this is it!!!!  I don't know how many follies we have, but hopefully enough to do the trick!