IF: The torture of a break cycle

Is never ending.  With infertility, the waiting seems to be the worse part.  We wait for the next chance to begin.  It is once opportunity closer to the end of the road for us and it is terrifying.  In light of that, I am sharing this poem with you all.  Because one way or the other, I am going to get there....

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

IUI #5: No happy ending

11dpIUI and I am spotting.  12dpIUI and I am bleeding.

No miracle here.

I am broken.  This was supposed to work.  Nothing is ever going to work.

IUI #5: is in the books!

I have been really bad about updating!
Here is what happened last week:

Thursday: Returned for U/S and b/w - Results are as follows -

Estradiol: 990 on 03/03/2011 Normal: Dependent upon the number of follicles that you have today.
Your estradiol level is appropriate for the number of follicles found with your ultrasound today.

Your ultrasound result is as follows:
Your follicles on the right ovary are 12,12,11,11 mm.
Your follicles on the left ovary are 13,12,12,11 mm.
Your lining is 9 mm. 

 They were concerned about having too many mature, so dropped my dose of Follistim to 50 and had me come back in the next day....

Friday: Another date with the dildo cam and needle...

Estradiol: 1421 on 03/04/2011 Normal: Dependent upon the number of follicles that you have today.

Your follicles on the right ovary are 16,14,13,12 mm.
Your follicles on the left ovary are 15,14,13,13,12 mm.
Your lining is 9 mm.  

Also known as the day my e2 went through the roof!  A little concerned about the number of follies and the e2 level.  Dr. Dahl will cancel if e2 is above 2000 due to worrying about a fun complication called OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome).  She requested that I come in on Saturday for another check and reduced my dose of Follistim to nothing!

Saturday: Fingers crossed...

Got the follies to drop off (anything around 18 is considered mature, so we were ok to move forward).  Just needed e2 to be below 2000.  I was on pins and needles until I got the email:

Estradiol: 1565 on 03/05/2011 Normal: Dependent upon the number of follicles that you have today.

Your follicles on the right ovary are 19,18,15,14,13,12 mm.
Your follicles on the left ovary are 17,15,14,13,13,12 mm.
Your lining is 9 mm.

You should take the Ovidrel injection on 3/5 at 9:30pm. This medication will cause ovulation 34-36 hours after injection. Your insemination is scheduled for 3/7 at 8:30am.

 

 Let me tell you, I was SOOOOOOOO relieved to see this info.  I thought for sure they were going to cancel us!

I went in on Monday morning, alone because Ditty had to work :(

Our Donor was a rock star, 24 million sperm with 55% motility.  That is 6 + times more sperm then we ever have had...

This has to work, right? 

Follie Check: Hmmmm.....

I had my first follicle check yesterday for our IUI #5.  Things are progressing a little slower then expected, based on how quick I went last cycle.

My results are as follows:
Estradiol: 342 on 03/01/2011 Normal: Dependent upon the number of follicles that you have today.

Your follicles on the right ovary are 12,10,6<8 mm.
Your follicles on the left ovary are 10<10 mm.
Your lining is 5 mm.

Megan, Dr Dahl would like you to take 100 units of your follistim medication each night starting tonight. This is a decrease from previously. Continue this until you return on Thursday. 

So, there you have it!  Hopefully I can get 2 on the left side to jump up and participate since that is my "good side" according to the HSG.

I guess I will have more to update tomorrow after my appt!

Fingers crossed for some progress so that we can do the IUI on Monday before I have to head to Mpls...