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Adoption is not for the faint of heart...

One of the Moms on my adoption support board said something the other day that really stuck with me.  Adoption is not for the faint of heart.  There has not been one moment during this process - from our infertility treatments to working with our agency to dealing with the joy and then the heartbreak of a failed match - that hasn't live up to that notion.  It has been a rough couple of months for us.

We have known for several months that the child we dreamed about bring home would likely not be coming home with us.  We tried to have faith that things would work out or that we were reading into things to much or believing that this was really meant to be so it had to work out.  We thought if we didn't talk about where we were headed we wouldn't end up there.  In the end I wouldn't change how it fell apart - slowly at first and rapid at the end - it allowed us to slowly grieve our way through the pain versus a door slammed in our face - sudden and startling.

Sometimes situations come into your life and you feel deep down in your heart that they were meant to be.  Sometimes it turns out that they are not.  While it is hard to admit that to yourself when it is everything you ever dream of - it happens.  The reality of this is almost more than we can handle - but we will handle it.  One thing keeps us moving forward and it is the dream that our child is out there waiting for us.  We just haven't found them yet.

So that is where we are today.  We went active with our agency a few weeks ago and are officially in "The Book".  Hopefully someday soon an expectant mom with an adoption plan will site down and look through the book and see our profile and know deep down what we already feel - we WILL be amazing parents!

Remembering to be thankful

This past weekend made me think.......

While driving to visit Kevin's family (with cousin Mindy) to celebrate Thanksgiving we were discussing a rash of bad things that had been happening recently.  Mindy's car was re-ended, her bother Ernie's car was hit and run and now has been totalled out, our situation with our adoption agency hitting a snag, Kevin's grandpa struggling to find a new place to live, our dear nephew Isaiah having to deal with a parent that made bad choices and put him in harms way.

Mindy came up with the thought that for every negative thing that was said while we were there, we needed to say something we are thankful for.  So here goes!!!!!

• We are thankful for our awesome family and friends.  Through thick and thin - rhey support us and really are truly the best!
• We are thankful the roof over our head and even better - it is a beautiful and comfortable house!
• We are thankful for our nephews and young cousins that are always ready to beat up on "Uncle" Kevin - keeps him young :).  
• We are thankful for our workplaces, coworkers, and friends, in this economy we are very lucky to have great jobs with great people!  

 Seems like we are pretty lucky!!!!!  It was either make the list or put money in Mindy's "swear" jar, which we now are calling the "unthankful" jar.  I hope that i never have to run out of things to be thankful for :)

The final piece to this puzzle that is our lives will be expanding our family to include children.  One way or another we will find that piece!  But until then, I am going to try to focus on all the things in the world that I have, all of the awesome experiences I have had and all the things that I can and will do going forward!!!

Much Love,

Megan & Kevin

SIRM gives away a free IVF cycle

I believe that timing is everything.  While we are currently questioning every decision we have made in our journey so far - I see a post from a highly successful infertility clinic - SIRM.  They are giving away a free IVF cycle.  All you have to do is email them your story and then they will post the finalists and open up voting.

Here is the email I sent them.  You never know right?

Our Story ~

This week we would told once again that we would not be able to have a baby.  This time it was from an adoption agency instead of from a Reproductive Endocrinologist.  We thought we had left the emotional and physical pain and disappointment behind us when we ended our pursuit of pregnancy and moved on to adoption. 

How did we end up here you might ask?  My diagnosis of PCOS at the tender age of 21 was the black cloud of worry that followed me through my 20's and into my marriage to my wonderful husband Kevin.  We married January 2nd, 2010 and immediately started our journey to have a family.  I still remember the day we decided to start trying.  It was February 14th, 2010.  Kevin said he hoped that it took at least a couple of months to get me knocked up, because he was looking forward to "trying".  Within a few months we came to the realization that we were in this for the long haul.

After a dismal semen analysis, we were referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist.  We were told that IVF was our only real chance at achieving our dreams.  But it was outside of our comfort zone.  Were we really willing to spend more then what I paid to go to college for ONE shot at getting pregnant?  It didn't seem responsible.  Our insurance wouldn't cover the treatment that our doctor recommended.  We were stuck between a rock and a hard place.  But our insurance would cover some of the cost of IUIs, so we decided to give it a whirl. 

Every month that passed Kevin's sperm counts got worse. Hope was definitely a fleeting feeling in our home.  We had done everything right.  The injectable meds, the blood thinners (due to my history of clotting), the timed intercourse, the supplements, accupuncture and one very painful varicocelectomy.  Nothing was working and there was no improvement in the swimmers...

We compromised.  We gave up our dream of a spontaneous pregnancy.  My husband had to give up his dream of a biological child and we moved on.  We did 3 more IUIs using donor sperm.  We overstimmulated my ovaries in a last ditch effort.  We got so close.  Extremely positive response to meds and super promising progesterone results through our "2 week wait".  But it wasn't our time.  On July 6th, 2011, after 7 IUIs and countless tears we made the decision to terminate all treatments and move on.

We began the adoption process with a sigh of relief.  We knew that it would not be a short journey, but in the end we would end up with a family and that was more important then anything else.  That was our ultimate goal.  No more pain and disappointment from failed treatments.  No more waiting and wondering if this time would be our time.  We completed all the intrusive and necessary paperwork and prepared for our home study.

Yes we knew this road would not be easy.  We knew that we would wait.  We knew that we could wait a LONG time.  But once we were active, we had the potential ANY DAY to get that call.  That we would finally have a baby.  That was more then we could ever dream before and we were excited to be active and waiting.

But nothing is easy.  And no road is smooth.  Just 6 days prior to going in "the book" we were told by a social worker that we needed to be on hold.  Kevin, my quiet and introverted until you get to know him, husband, had not opened up to them enough in the 2 hours they spent with him.  It wasn't a no, but it was a not right now.

So, here we are, back where we started and unsure of what our path should be.  Do we wait it out or do we chance the pregnancy dream again. 

That is where timing comes in.  I saw a post on a support board about SIRM's contest.  I am taking it as a sign.  That maybe we weren't done with our pursuit of pregnancy.  That maybe we were put on hold because this was the plan all along.

All we can do is keep believing that something, someday will work out.

Our FB Adoption Home

Please visit our Facebook page to look at our website we hope may serve as a resourcing tool to find our future child!

I just posted a picture format of our Profile for Prospective Birth Families!



Here it is - http://www.facebook.com/pages/Kevin-and-Megan-want-to-Adopt/185815914833185

New title, new purpose

I know we haven't been on our blog lately.  A lot has happened.  We ended our pursuit of pregnancy and started the adoption process.

If you support us, know someone who is considering adoption and looking for an adoptive family, or just are curious what we have been through/are going through, this is the place!

We also created a Facebook page in the hopes that our birth family is out there somewhere and this may be a tool to find them!

If you are reading this, thank you for being a part of our life!

IUI #6: Over before it started

15 day cycles do not end in pregnancy.  Lesson learned.

I have been a bad blogger.  In the time since I last posted I have done another failed cycle.  And its only been a few weeks.

I am so tired of this.  We are so close to being done it is frightening.